blue dream.

2008-01-20T13:00:00.001+08:00

went out with the guys last night for dinner and a walk about to catch up. started with pool with shaun in town. crap i realised once you dont play for 3 weeks or so your standard drops a shit load. all my fundamentals in pool were horrible, and i was only intermittently satisfied with my stroke. it was a touch and go thing.

afterward shaun and i went to clarke quay to recce out dining places to bring girls! =) well, if you wanna know more nice eateries to bring people you have to put in the effort. if not you can just stick to your NYDC and Macs. we initially planned to eat at The Tent, a place of mongolian food where you make your own sauce combinations and the chef cooks it for you. sounds like fun, but we settled on Hot Stones in the end, a funky place where they provide you your own stone to cook your food on the spot. i'd recommend the pan asian set if you're going; the western set's just weird.

tze wei came by after we finished dinner and we walked toward one fullerton and sat down for coffee at the starbucks there till 11 talking crap and catching up. i believe i have never ever laughed so much as i did last night in a very very long while. =) fucking funny stuff when you put the 3 of us together. eh, tze wei? "30 cents more HAR HAR HAR. another 5 bucks, and keep your change!" there was a cute girl in black blouse/jeans i thought sitting with her group of friends outside the place celebrating someone's birthday. and the 3 of us read The Game and we were trying to use Pick Up Artist terminology on them. lol and tze wei has this ability to _________ pay for his stuff. =| dared him to open that line on her haha.

all in all, a very nice night out last night. sigh. =)

i talked to phong for the first time last night about it, about you. apparently you've talked to her about it too. we'll see what comes out of it. she promised to talk to you. i wonder why i try. maybe it's cause i feel like i havent exhausted all options. if that's the case now that i've talked to phong, i should rest easier now. cause she was the last resort.

2008-01-15T13:43:00.000+08:00

my mind is made up, i know what i should do. you've stated your intentions pretty clearly, and my own course is set too. i know you didn't deserve what i did, but i also know you don't deserve me. i have to walk away for my own good.

why then is one small dark corner of my mind still entertaining thoughts of you and how to get through to you to help you? am i really that blind? i'm cursing and swearing and entertaining second thoughts about everything, but my actions and decisions are locked. i'm like a prisoner within myself. my mind and body will walk away, that much is pretty sure. but my inner voice and heart is thrashing within me like a straight-jacketed madman, screaming and shouting.

it's nobody's fault it didn't work out. it's not your fault you're built like this, one can simply attribute it to the way you're brought up, your circumstances and the lack of a correcting hand. it's not my fault i'm not strong enough to take all the beatings, and that i'm not wise enough to find a solution to get through to you.

i'm taking the best option available to me: walk away. why then do i feel like i still am obligated to help, to turn back before it is really too late.

Thursday, January 10, 2008
I'm nice to people as long as they don't piss me off. My friends should at least understand that.

i'm vaguely curious about that. frankly i've no idea if you're refering to me. probable, but not concrete proof. not that i really care anyway. it came one week after your email reply, to which i didn't bother sending any reply. a) i didn't really know what to reply to such a final and uncompromising email. b) i guess it was me extending my hand and you slapping it away, so i'd thought i'd not play the fool and chase after you again. i've begged forgiveness and a fresh start once before, i won't do it again. but if what the above typed refers to is me, then my pride would like to think that for once, you've given it more thought, even though it may have been angry thought, than me, and that after a week of silence it irked you enough for you to blog.

but i guess we'll never know whether it IS me, now would we. food for thought. and the chained beast inside myself.

i'm still too weak. i must get stronger.

2008-01-07T05:19:00.000+08:00

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

sure ain't easy.

2008-01-05T22:59:00.001+08:00

i went for a 18 klick run to clear my mind. those words kept replaying in my head. and the memories. and my options. they chased me, and i kept running. from my house in boon lay, all the way to redhill. i ran for 2 hours, and i still have no answers.

i need to run further. faster.

2008-01-05T17:41:00.000+08:00

"Hey I got your letter. It's been such a long time since that incident so there really isn't much to say anymore. We've pretty much moved on with our lives so there isn't any point in harping on the past. But even so, I don't think things would ever be normal again. I can act as though nothing had happened but it'd just be a facade and I'd rather not be like that. So yeah, I don't think we can be "friends". Good luck in whatever you do.

Cheers,
Wei Qin "

god. that hurts. but hang on to the silver lining; closure at last. my conscience is finally staked, now all that's left is to stake my heart too.

be strong, because if you aren't, who's gonna find you strong enough to lean on?

2008-01-03T18:05:00.000+08:00

donovan has got it ALL planned out. 665 SIR = 2 weekends burnt = 2 days off. +1 day off from duty on new year's day. = 3 days off. +2 days leave entitlement = 5 days i can be rid of the uniform.

lets see.

665 SIR = first 3 weeks of january.

last week of january = lull period = time to do my dental = 1 week mc. first week of feb = ORD, therefore can't take off 3 days before ORD. meaning, i'll have to split my off/leave in between the first half of the week in feb and somewhere during ICT period itself so that my fourth week is freed up for MC.

i can smell it coming. ORD. lol. and donovan is guard commander for the last time tomorrow, the 4th of jan. no more fucking duties for me man.

2008-01-02T18:07:00.001+08:00

pardon the last post. i was on duty, and had alot of time to be alone to think. too much time. it was simply a wavering of strength and purpose. i'll try my best not to slip up again.

2008-01-01T18:38:00.000+08:00

i guess i knew it'd come to this. the wait. for something. anything. and yes, i told myself that once i had sent it, my part in it has closed. i've done all that i humanly can to make things right, the rest is out of my control and up to her. i promised myself i won't get emotional over things not in my control.

why then do i still think of you? why do i care? when i shouldn't. why do i feel instead of closure, i feel the lack of it.

i shouldn't have run into you in BBDC. damn fate to hell and back for putting you and me there. i'll say damn myself for going up to talk to you, when i could have walked away and you'll be none the wiser that i was there, but i know myself better. i'll be killing myself forever had i done that with the "what ifs". i have enough of "what ifs" to deal with right now.

grab some fucking control over yourself donovan. I WILL NOT LET THIS TURN INTO ANOTHER CHERYL.

why then do i not believe myself? there is no way in hell i'm going back to that emotional wreck of a man who was in a well for 3 years with a limited view of the sky to look at, until weiqin came along.

my problem, as james has put it, is that i expect way too much. i'm trying to train myself to expect nothing. to simply wait. stand by and wait. do nothing, but focus on the right thing. which would be to get through the rest of my army term without incident. and after ORD to do what i want to do, shoot my pool and get my fitness back. i want to be proud of something, proud of myself. but self esteem doesn't come easy.

The Game says that to excel at picking up women, one cannot be your AFC, average frustrated chump. you cannot pay attention to your target, you have to stand out different from the rest in order to stand any chance of winning the interest of your target. but i find it hard to ignore you, when all that you've revealed about your problem is what i had pinned down from day one and one i so wanted to help with. how do you look at someone you care for, knowing their mistakes and faults, knowing that you can do something to help, and walk away purposely? yet this is what i have to do now. the fucking irony of it all.

extracted from weiqin's blog

Sunday, December 30, 2007

"I don't know if I'm as happy as I make myself out to be. When I sit back and think about it, I realize I'm actually quite lonely. As I grow older and enter different phases of my life, I just keep making more and more friends, and it's starting to feel as if these friends are just part of a growing number and there's nothing deeper to it than that. How much meaning is there to these friendships? Like what Pam said, these are just the people you meet like say, once a week for class, or during gatherings. It's as though we're just meeting for the sake of meeting, talking for the sake of talking, laughing for the sake laughing. Most of it is just weather talk and it's so superficial I don't feel like myself anymore. It's uncomfortable. It's tiring. It's fake. I wonder how much more of this I can take."

i saw this coming, and i know what you are down underneath that trappings of money, friends and family. cause that's exactly what they are, traps. you spend so much time with your friends cause you want to pack your day full. you're afraid of having nothing to do and being lonely, so you surround yourself with activities and friends from morning till night, and then some. so when you come home you're way too tired to think about anything. you don't like being home because you've a brother who spends way too much too easily, and you might argue with him over that. your father's never home most of the time, always on overseas trips, not that it matters because he sleeps in a separate room from your mom. in fact, the fact you sleep with your mom in the master bedroom is already a clue of a dysfunctional family. and i suspect, the reason that you've never been in a relationship isn't a lack of suitors, i think you've more than enough. you're afraid of giving your heart, because of what you've seen your mom and dad have become. deep down, under that tough, stubborn, fiercely independant girl who sticks to her friends like glue, you're really lost and vulnerable.

and i have to walk away from that. remy said that i've treated you better than you have me, which may be a harsh but accurate statement. if i ever meant anything to you, even a simple friend, i'm sure that letter of mine would reach you and break through whatever walls of anger or pain you may have erected. the only thing now is whether i meant anything enough to you for you to make that move. it's win win for me, i have to emphasize to myself and repeat it like a mantra. if i did mean something to you and we start anew, that s an obvious win. if i didn't or was nothing more than a fair weather friend to you and i don't hear from you, it's probably for the best, because i wouldn't want any form of relationship with someone who thinks i'm nothing more than an acquaintance to enjoy good times with.

but it still doesn't change the fact that i see a person who i used to, and maybe still, care for and the temptation to hold you and tell you everything's gonna be alright is there. and it hurts, because of the distance you're putting in between us now doesn't allow me to do that as i could have done, half a year ago.

i realised i have this affinity for smart, rich but damaged girls. so dramatic its funny. but i will be strong. fuel anger into the engine of purpose, and look forward because you don't want to repeat the same mistakes twice. i only hope i don't lose who i am and my humanity along the way.

2007-12-29T02:45:00.001+08:00

the 27th of december shall be remembered as thomas hardy day. for what are the odds of bumping into you at 10pm at BBDC?

2007-12-23T13:50:00.001+08:00

finally. i can lay one of my demons to rest. i've managed to get through to tina, and i've managed to get her to acknowledge my apology. i hold no illusions that things will go back to the way before, or that she should trust me ever again, but if she does it'll be a big bonus. it took alot of thick skin to keep bugging her saying hi, trying to establish some form of contact, but it's paid off. tina, i'm very very sorry. you don't have to accept the apology, but thanks for listening and acknowledging. i don't think i can ever make it up to you, and i'll be asking for more if i ask you to extend your hand in friendship again, but i'll always be here waiting for you to take that leap of faith again. i never meant to hurt you, and if anything, the last 6 months have been punishment enough, having to run from all my demons, i think.

one down. one more to go.

2007-12-14T23:22:00.001+08:00

i realised i'm a big idiot. i had it, and i dashed it away.

2007-12-14T19:48:00.000+08:00

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

Kill - Jimmy Eat World

it's very oxymoronic. and my extras have given me more than enough time to think it through. not a day goes by that i don't spare at least one thought for you and the past. but hope and reality are two different things. i'm not as naive as i used to be. and i do know, that logic prevails, and logic says nothing will happen. and that even if some miracle did happen, unless you or i change dramatically, it won't work and the same problems will surface again. hence, i've managed to convince myself not to fall in love with you anymore. and yes, i don't. but the past is as haunting as the lyrics of jimmy eat world.

you didn't reply, so i'll take silence as your answer. maybe your previous msn windows closed. or maybe you were too busy to type something in msn, we never caught each other online. maybe your handphone didn't get any sms-es, as is possible. technology scews up sometimes, i've had it happen to me before with other people. maybe you didn't read your email because you simply don't, your inbox is so flooded with junk you simply empty the whole folder when u log into hotmail. if you log into hotmail.

i've been lit trained. and this sounds so pathetically like Thomas Hardy's little contrivances in Return of the Native. but i know better now. it's just some dumb little voice that wants to scratch at any hope, any excuses. so although it isn't nice to admit, the truth of the matter is you simply don't give a shit. and if the reality is that the contrivances that you didn't receive any sms, didn't check your email are true, well then i can say nothing else except that fate sucks. and i'm willing to accept fate.

which leads us to the next conclusion. hence we have concluded that this is going no where at all. i can't deny the feelings, but what i can deny is outrageous and baseless hope. so mark my following words.

you will be sorry, oh so sorry you made this choice. one day, you'll turn on the telly, and you'll see the next big thing, the next high flyer: donovan. the one who had attempted oh so many goddamned times to make ammends, to apologise, to meet up and pick up from where we left off, if only you allowed him to. and you're gonna think back and wonder, what if you had answered that sms, what if you had replied that email, what if you had bothered to try.

this isn't easily dismissed as bitterness, because bitterness denotes you were sour grapes AND sad. i may be unhappy you didn't give this a chance, but i'd like to think of this more as determination. sadness isn't in the equation, that would have belonged to the donovan of the past. because of this, because of you, i'm gonna drive myself to succeed, to thrive and excel in all areas just to supercede you, and show you all i can be. to me now, power and money will be my target.

and then, maybe just then, the tables will be reversed. i won't be begging to shine your shoes, everyone will be fighting at a chance to lick mine.

~~~

but nothing changes the haunting melody of jimmy eat world. so until the situation changes or enough time has passed, you'll still be killing that small part of me, that part that i have buried in my quest for power. enjoy that, that's the last thing i'll ever concede to this damned world.

2007-12-05T19:41:00.001+08:00

i wanna quit WoW. like real soon. but i'm not sure i'm totally ready for the onslaught of emotions i'll have to deal with again.

the temptation is there. to call. to meet. and as i finish with my extras, army, WoW, i've to come to terms with that. and what i'm eventually gonna do about it. na de qi, fang de xia. have to learn that.

i can't believe i was such a coward.

"if living the WoW life is a lie, then please don't make me face the truth." august '07

2007-12-04T19:04:00.001+08:00

so there it is. finally, i've padlocked this thing. i'm sorry if this inconveniences some of the readers, but i suppose if you're sincere enough in wanting to read this, you would have put in the effort to create an account and to talk to me asking for permission to read. if you aren't, then i suppose this layer of screening has already removed you from the readers list.

work keeps getting better and better. for bringing a camera hp into camp and having it been pao tou-ed by some dumbass clerk who thought he could score with div sm, i've 5 extra duties. for failing to stay in and coming late for a lesson some time back, another 5 extra. so i've 10 extras now. and i've served 3 so far. until two problems arose. a) Maj X said 1 of the 3 don't count, because the punishment was executed before the date i officially signed it. even though the csm said that it's ok to execute the extra he'll talk for me. fuck that. b) yesterday during my duty my guard 2 ic left the gate unlocked and asked a female officer to let herself out. *groan* now div sm wants to give me 5 more. crazy man i can't do so many duties before i ORD. fuck this camp.

the extras however, have given me pause and time to think. to get my life and priorities in order. i've started running again. i'm quitting raiding so i won't be tied down to raid schedules as well as the long hours required in raiding. i'll play WoW whenever i want, and stop whenever i want. i'm trying to pick up a new hobby: pool. i invested two hundred bucks into a cue of my own, and damn she's pretty. and i've been given time to think on where i went wrong. with my past attempts at finding the significant other. and i think i got it down.

i've spent the past, trying too hard. to make it work. you could say, too serious too soon. and cause of whatever mistakes i made and subsequently got burnt, i've turned hard. cold. bitter. withdrawn. i'm sure some of my friends can testify to this. especially once i started WoW, i've turned from being emo to being simply, indifferent. a friend encouraged me to open up, give it a chance if it so happens. to which i answered her at what i thought that time was strength, i didn't need this. what i needed was a good university degree. and this whole relationship thing, was simply a needless complication, after seeing how i got screwed over by it so far. but i was wrong, it wasn't strength. it was bitterness. cowardice. hypocrisy. this was simply running away from the problem. and i'll admit, i would like to have someone to be there. whoever says they won't is a liar. i look back on the good times with weiqin, and i wish i could relive them. so if i ever tell my friends, bah who needs relationships? i'm probably lying through my damn teeth, because its the very same lie that i'm trying oh so desperately to convince myself, in between bottles of bercadis, long hours of WoW and excuses to friends not to leave the house.

i'd rather be bitter/angry/alone at home playing WoW, deluding myself that nothing could affect me because i'm too damn afriad to pick up the dust from my shirt, and get off the floor and look to make thigns right, and maybe to move on. it's time to move on, from WoW, the empty whiskey bottles, and all that screwed up feeling.

i can't guarantee i won't relapse. nor can i guarantee i'll get there anytime soon. but i'm gonna keep trying.

today i ran into an ex instructor from SISPEC in my camp for a course. and we chatted about how we were doing, and he mentioend he saw me in an mrt with a girl. close. i can only imagine it was you. i talked to marie about it, and she was right. it broke down, because the very thing that drew me to you was what drove me away in the end. you club too much. for me, it was simply a rebellious phase. but for you, it was your life. and i was never one for communication much, so when problems arose i jsut kept it all in, until the day it exploded and i couldn't take any more. it's a mistake i'm willing to learn from, but i'm afraid the damage is done. she was right.

mar!e where elevators are aphrodisiac says:
yea. cos its true, clubbing is her life. and if u dun like her dancing wif guys, it really wont work out.
mar!e where elevators are aphrodisiac says:
u need to have that trust to begin wif. and curb that jealousy. and talk to her abt it. if all that cant be done, yea the rship will be disastrous

so now that i've gotten my revelations about how i'm supposed to clean up my act, i should the remainder of my extras thinking where do i stand on this. are you that worth it? i still care, but i'm not sure how much anymore. heck, i don't even know if you've found someone better in NTU. and if i do care enough, is it worth risking my pride, to crawl back? do i have the courage to attempt to mend things. because i'm certainly not crawling back into the black depths of the bottle and WoW.

maybe i'm not ready for this stage yet, not ready for you. need more thinking. and ironically, more extras to think. =P (P.S. that last part was a joke, though at the rate things are going in camp, it may well become a reality. i've taken so many extras that duties are numb to me now. lol.)

2007-11-06T16:13:00.000+08:00

hmmm. james has finally succeeded to drag me away from wow long enough to have an intellectual talk. one of the old kinds. and it has had given me pause and time to think.

my sojourn in wow has helped me pass time, and numb myself to the world around. because of demanding raid timings, long durations of time required to raid or instance, i have been glued to the computer. it's easy to forget one has a real world outside the virtual reality of wow. it's almost neo, matrix style. and this insulation has had its weird pros and cons. because of the fact that i could easily lose myself in this game, suddenly i have managed to achieve a certain transcendence from myself. something i've been always looking for, but unable to find on my own. because i don't get emo anymore, i see things in a clearer light. i see the mistakes i made, my own weaknesses and liabilities and am able to look back on the past without any sense of longing or regret, and thus am able to objectively comment on and learn from it. and no, not even your brief try at tearing down this wall i've managed to erect around me to show me reality will have any permanent effect james. on the contrary, it has shown me how weak i am without that wall, and how i can survive only by throwing myself back into that virtual reality. after our talk in town the journey home was a little more than a recollection of the feelings and thoughts pre-wow. upon reaching home and logging in, those feelings were gone. so yes, you can say i'm a coward and a total addict to a drug that grants me reprieve, but as long as it gets the job done, keeps me level and cleared headed, i'll take my chances on such an addiction. after all, it saves me money too.

while i don't talk to friends much anymore, cause a) i'm too busy in the virtual world b) just couldn't care less, i realise it may become detrimental to my relationship with others. it however has also allowed me to be less emo, a benefit you can't say doesn't have its uses, especially for those who knew me form JC times onward. if someone pisses me off online in msn, i just can't be bothered to argue anymore. if you like it your way and wanna rail at me for something you perceived i did wrong, whether real or otherwise, well then go ahead. that's what the chat box in msn messenger is for. i on the other hand will simply alt+tab, look at what you say, type a 'ok' and alt+tab back again.

oh joy! the freedom that wow gives me. it's almost ironic. by chaining me to the computer with a ethereal ball and chain, it has liberated me, my mind, my emotions and logic to a much higher level. if you don't believe me, james you yourself said i clearly wasn't the donovan you expected. oh no, i'm not the emo, uncontrolled and lost donovan that was chasing ghosts of the past.

the scary thing is, all this is achieved through the use of a drug, wow. and i can't dismiss the benefits easily. though i worry how i'll have to weane myself off it, which surely i'll have to start working towards. is the price i have to pay, my relationships with other people, worth it just to achieve this state of transcendence? this clarity of thought? a question i ask myself daily everytime i log into wow.

but then i remember you and you. and i remember the past. and the mistakes. and the stupid useless futile gestures at trying to make things right. to chase ghosts of the past. and i remember the anger. and the emo quotient. and the feeling of being lost. without a wall of logic and reason i could build around me. and no fucking way would i go back to that. i'm not ready. not yet.

time for my daily date with amberley.

2007-10-24T23:55:00.000+08:00

this is a very difficult time for me now. actually, make that fucked up.

2007-10-05T05:21:00.001+08:00

wow. i could go a month without blogging. days without checking friendster. hours without talking to anyone on msn. wow. pun intended. anyway.

god. it's been some time since the last entry. and last night, i dreamt of you. they say dreams are but suppressed unconscious thoughts you don't focus on when you're awake, and when you're asleep they jump out like a jack in a box and run circles around you. i don't think you even bother to visit here anymore. i won't know if you decided to drop by and say hi anyway, i removed the tagboard. irritating thing that degraded from a message board for friends to say hi to a spam filled box by spam bots at best, a target for people to flame at worst. so tagboard begone. so with such privacy, assured that you probably won't read this, i guess i can be frank.

not quite 4am in the morning like gwen stefani's song, but close i guess. its 5. and i can't go back to sleep. it's been 3 years, going on 4. one would have thought 2 years plus onward, another screw up with someone else later, and a lvl 70 in wow, that you would have been all but consigned to the pages of the distant past. it's amazing how just the very perception that i met you, even if it wasn't real, that brings back all the feelings and puts me back in a position of how i felt 3 years ago, even if it was only for one unreal night. now that i'm awake, the feeling's mostly gone, but traces of it still linger, sorta like a bittersweet vintage wine.

3 years on, another screw up afterward and a lvl 70 later, i guess there's only so far you can run.

2007-09-03T13:27:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time since i blogged something. anything. that remotely makes sense. maybe it's cause there's nothing to write about. for lack of something to blog about, i feel the urge to lash out, to write anything to fill this void. my days are a blur now, just counting the months to ord. it seems that it has come down to this. grappling with who i am, my past mistakes has me feeling empty, and lately i've been filling that emptiness with world of warcraft. it's not healthy, i've abandoned friends, any semblance of social activity, ignored msn conversations and generally retreated into a shell that's easier for me to run away. with sounds of jimmy eat world and matchbox 20 playing, i've been cocooned. maybe it's easier this way. maybe i've fucked it up one too many times. will it always be this way?

i've been plagued by questions and loneliness for too long too many times. i'll admit it, maybe this IS about me, my identity and my love life. there. i've said it. i'm not about to wallow in self pity, because that's the immature thing of the past. nowadays i simply accept it. i'm not about to emo, because i've been doing that all my life, and it's tiring, just saps the strength out of you. now there's just a certain void, that i can't fill. it's not fair that success is so elusive. success in everything. and no amount of WoW hours are going to fill that void. yet that IS the easier way. even trying to pick up new skills like pool, driving and playing the guitar don't provide that sense of fulfillment. so just what the fuck am i supposed to do?

i know full well what's gonna happen after this post. i'm going to hit the "publish" button. and go back to my outfield, my guard duty, my WoW. rinse and repeat. until i ord. then afterward, who knows? just drift till i hit SMU? with this kinda state of mind now, i'll probably flunk it and waste the only chance i've got at success for a good degree and job. i need to find a way out of this maelstorm of a hellhole i've dug myself into. wherein that comforting eye of the storm lies my sad computer and WoW. where are my friends? my true ones, who bother. to ask. or have i killed all of them already? and those i deemed friends are nothing but fair weathered ones who are with you when times are good, but gone when troubles come.

i'm not lvl 70 yet, but i feel like i already have to quit WoW to control the addiction. addiction to the easy solution of spending 40 bucks to waste 2 months away, because it's easier to fill that void and loneliness with the massive world of a massive multiplayer role playing game.

i miss you. in more ways than one. where did you go, oh the better half of me.

2007-08-26T22:52:00.000+08:00

if living the WoW life is a lie, then please don't make me face the truth.

back to the roots, to the first time. every lil thing. i'm still here, waiting.

21km sucks to run. don't try it. AHM = attendance have to mark. ran a 2 hour 25 min timing. and now i can't climb the stairs or bend my knees anymore.

2007-08-03T16:00:00.000+08:00

alright, i don't have much time before i have to book in at 4.30pm to go back to my defense exercise staging area in yishun so i'll make this quick.

i have been putting this off, chiefly because at first i thought i was in the right and was righteously pissed off and had enough of feeling crappy so i blogged about how i felt about some people, when maybe talking to them about it privately would have been a better mmove. secondly, i found WoW, so i guess i've been running away from having to deal with the mess, it's way easier to lock myself up everyday, every weekend at home WoWing and not having to face the world. in that sense, i get where you're coming from ivan. WoW's not the perfect solution, but a solution none the less and when you're desperate, you'll try anything.

i apologise. for what it's worth after so long, i guess i've taken a long time to gather up the courage to finally blog about it and right what may have been wrong. perhaps the two faced one wasn't you, but rather, me. i didn't sort myself out, and sorta blamed you for it. i still didn't like what you two did, but talking about it is better than the way i approached it. please, give me a chance to talk to you about it? at least, some form of closure.

i think it's a real waste it had to end this way, so if you think so too, if you think that the good times are worth it, can we save this friendship?

-don.

2007-07-03T21:21:00.000+08:00

hmm. it's been a while since the last entry. well i guess i was waiting till i had something to actually write about, so here goes.

had a talk with my lieutenant today; he gave me several interesting points to think about. as a commander, be it officer or specialist, what have you done today to make the lives of the men under you better? and if you didn't, at the very least, have you gone through enough length to make sure you didn't make it worse? have you managed to practice enough EQ in your interactions with others? true, that warrant officer may have pissed you off, scolding you unnecessarily, or that officer may have just given you 3 extra duties off the calf for something you thought was trivially wrong. have you stopped to ask why he reacted that way, instead of simply reacting to how he was treating you? you could argue, but afterward you could feedback to the person in name nicely about your take on the situation instead of just gossiping and complaining about the person behinds his back afterward. that way, at least you give him a chance to see things your way and possibly change his stance.

i think i'll try to put into action what he was talking about. how we could feel more for our storemen, who already have 6 to 8 duties a month, extra duties not withstanding, how we could try to make life better, improvements to the duty system. how we go around dealing with other people. maybe it'll make life in 2pdf more bearable for me.

k random thoughts now:

it's disturbing to think on what i would give to have one night with Kim Ah-joong. eh jeremy? optimus prime up yours eh? haha.

so maybe it had to end this way. dunno why so suddenly quite distant. ah well, your choice people. whatever the case i'll be the one here waiting till then.

omg, started WoW. i'm so dead. damn addictive la! got my internet up and running ok, so now i don't lag on bnet playing DotA too. so you guys can jio me play online, or host also, i do believe i can host games without lagging all of you out now.

umbrella by rihanna is a hot song to club to. it'll be even hotter if one had Kim, =)

2007-06-21T23:19:00.001+08:00

i survived one week. and i survived simpang. i survived the the accusations, thinly veiled insults and assumptions, and dodged it all, all the extras and pinning of blame. i survived the silence.

i survived.

2007-06-17T21:19:00.000+08:00

hmm. been feeling kinda outta control lately. like, god every thing's crashing down at the same time. work. outfield. stupid SAF and their saikang, guard duty, politics, fucked up officers. irritated at people, friends. i wanna recapture the old days and be with old friends, but i've changed, and it seems i can't do that anymore. i've lost them, i hope i haven't lost myself.

i so have to lose this addiction. but every time i look, just can't walk away. thank god i stil have some dependable friends, and city of villains to keep me occupied. thanks louis. and i met up with jermaine and yong xin today. i managed to recapture, a lil of what the old times were like. the times with the same old guys. and just chilling, walking around town shopping and eating and talking.

i need to ord. and to meet new people.

2007-06-14T17:20:00.000+08:00

things haven't been going my way lately. both in and out of work. but i'm sure it'll sort itself out in time.

wtf is wrong with you and your actions last night? are you mad? i'm so unhappy with you and the two things you did that so pissed me off last night. appreciate what you have la damnit. then if you wanna fuck around last night, then at least screw with yourself, why go and throw shit on me too? as a friend, i expected better. so much damn better. go and reflect la, if you think i'm wrong then come and talk to me about it.

and you, i couldn't be bothered with you already la. think i'm just about done caring. especially when people start to take you and your niceness for granted, some of you all just aren't worth the effort/time. don't wear two faces. either behave like a friend, or don't at all, and fuck off. tired of these games.

2007-05-27T12:17:00.000+08:00

hmmm. my tooth hurts like hell. went to the dentist, and she said it was an old problem and it was now infected. so she gave me two options. a) i treat the tooth and leave my whole set of teeth there intact. b) i remove that tooth, and wear braces, since wearing braces involves pulling out one tooth anyway. and she recommended pulling out my bottom two wisdom teeth while i was in the army, that much of the cost would be covered by my 11b. sounds like a lot of money and pain involved. count me in for b) ! though i think going into uni with braces is a turn off. ahh well. it hurts like shit now. i slept at 5.30am last night cause of the pain. gotta go get it done up pronto.

2007-05-24T23:34:00.000+08:00

~~you're so not worth it. walking away, and whatever.~~

_{"you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me."}

definition of clubbing: to see and to be seen, to do things you won't dare to do in broad daylight because you've no fucking balls.

bah.

2007-05-20T11:58:00.000+08:00

hmmm. i have concluded that i've managed to get over my phobia of riding on anything with wheels. although i havent conquered the bike yet, at least i tried out rollerblading yesterday at ecp. stupid derek had me and wq waiting for him at the polyclinic for AN HOUR AND A HALF. yes ladies and gents, that's a new record. applause please?

i kept falling in the beginning with the skates la. kept on breaking fall with my right hand, and now my wrist is kinda swollen and feels strained. =( but at least, although i skate SUPER slow, and MAY still have problems clearing humps, or those stupid tree seeds that are strewn on the road like minefields causing me to trip up, i don't fall at all now! i still stumble like Neo dodging bullets in the matrix, but yeah, haha i think this is something i could get used to! i love the feeling when i can get it right at least for 4 seconds and you're just flying forward. thanks to wei qin and xuan rui for teaching me or at least staying by my side when i was making a fool of myself.

somehow i still get the feeling i was deliberately asked out to skate so some of them can get a good laugh. haha, evil friends. but skating is damn shagged la. after ecp, followed louis to parkway to get his specs done up, then went to seletar country club for dinner with him and my parents, then went home to shower. after which we went out again to play dota with wq, fong, wan yi and her friends. quite an entertaining game, the last game could have gone either way. ah well, i tried my best with the bounty hunter, but the game just couldn't be saved.

thank god its my right wrist that's screwed up, not my left one. badminton tonight with louis, yz, marie, wq, chris, fong. lunch now, see ya guys later.

2007-05-16T20:36:00.001+08:00

take care turtle.

2007-05-15T00:35:00.000+08:00

what a blur these last few weeks have been! dota sessions. movies that weren't meant to be funny, being hilarious. retribution was supposed to be horror, but i still laugh when i think about it. partition, oh god someone PLEASE tell ms smallville she can't act well with an indian accent. taking mc like its free, ooooh yeah i love that feeling. enough clubbing, i'm done being someone i'm not. stupid msn games. michael buble's songs. oh the anxiety, the happiness, the distraction, the green eyed monster. quite enough thank you very much! =) oh, first time to timbre! love the music there.

i'm FREE! you no longer mean anything to me. and it feels absolutely, wonderful, ironically. and i'm a little sad my lil diversion didn't achieve much, but yeah, that's that. =) oh shit, i'm smiling so much. why. this ain't me! heck this doesn't even SOUND like me blogging! something's wrong.

but if it's got me smiling this much, let's keep it this way.

You're a falling star, You're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play you're coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

2007-05-08T11:37:00.000+08:00

i passed BTT! yeah balls.

2007-05-05T16:07:00.000+08:00

haha. i think damien rice is nice. you think so too, don't you james?

Caliギソ says (4:04 PM):
like some twisted lullaby
Caliギソ says (4:04 PM):
haha
Caliギソ says (4:05 PM):
wah but hes damn sad la..
Caliギソ says (4:05 PM):
cb this album is just as bad as his first.
Caliギソ says (4:06 PM):
I think if you took an overdose of depressants you could be him la

i'll take that as a compliment. =)

2007-05-04T23:57:00.000+08:00

donovan koh --

[noun]:

An immortal

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

lol, yeah man. i'm a gonna live 4eva.

2007-05-04T06:08:00.000+08:00

this blog has kinda become like, a jumble of mixed feelings, words, ramblings, pictures that don't really make coherent sense. so i'm up now at 0600 hours, (gee another sign that i've been wearing green to long; i've always hated to use the 24hour time format), blogging, because the alarm got me up extra early. dad has some tele conferencing with some overseas business people, so he has to go to work early, hence me waking at 6am. it's cool, cause i couldn't sleep much anyway. i don't really sleep well nowadays, even if i weren't sick. half hearted hallucinations and dreams that plague my rest.

just wanted to say thanks, to ben tay, tina, jeremy and ben chen for tolerating my sick self. ben tay: sorry i pangseh-ed for supper, really sick. make it up another day. tina: thanks for the company, and the interesting talk we had. took my mind of being sick, except the fact that my nose was still dripping. hope the flowers are coming along ok! jeremy: eh dinner i pangseh also, my bad bro. next weekday ok? haha. ben chen: haha lately not talking much to you, either a) wrong topics b) bad timing like now when i'm sick. but thanks for the concern. as much as i get irritated by your constant nudging, it also shows me you still give two hoots.

you know lately, i've been thinking that maybe, just maybe, now that i've found out she's also moved on, it's time to let it go. when i heard it, it kinda hit me, but not as hard as it should have, because of other circumstances now. i had two choices: a) i could slip back into the shit hole i've been in for the last few years. b) i could take the cue for change and feel liberated from the emotional prison that i threw myself in and had the key thrown away. after careful consideration, the second option is more desirable. yeah i know it seems kinda obvious, but as i've said before, there's a certain appeal to feeling sorry for yourself being all emo and all. but my excuse was that i was so damn certain no one else could match up. and now that excuse is shattered, i'm suddenly in new territory and it's terrifying and liberating at the same time. it helped me reach an epiphany of sorts too, that until and unless i'm happy by myself, comfortable within my own skin, it's not gonna work, chasing after someone else or even getting into a relationship. that sorta superficial happiness on the surface won't be enough, and the relationship will bring new dynamics into play, and more problems will probably surface. i'll probably end up screwing it up, and losing yet another friend. so i need some time off, from the past and everything that reminds me of it, and just focus on myself. the here, the now. do what makes me feel great, live it up and just have fun. who knows, i might just find myself along the way. and while i'm at it, find her.

or maybe i have, now i just need to find myself.

stolen

2007-05-03T19:18:00.001+08:00

you have stolen my heart.

2007-04-24T01:07:00.000+08:00

[on sheets of poster board]
Mark: With any luck by next year
Mark: I'll be going out with one of these girls.
[pictures of beautiful supermodels]
Mark: But for now, let me say
Mark: Without hope or agenda
Mark: Just because it's Christmas
Mark: (And at Christmas you tell the truth)
Mark: To me, you are perfect
Mark: And my wasted heart will love you
Mark: Until you look like this
[picture of a mummy]
Mark: Merry Christmas

interesting what recruits are doing in BMT nowadays.

2007-04-15T22:32:00.000+08:00

it's not fair. it's fucked up. i don't care. no wait, actually i do. i don't need this, don't need you. no wait, i do. nah that's just my imagination. such indecision.

i wonder what it'll be like at 20 going on 30 sitting down with the guys to lose money over cards and alcohol. night after night.

2007-04-13T18:36:00.000+08:00

Hand out the window
Floatin’ on air
Just a flip of the wrist
I’d be wavin’ a goodbye

Drive past the lifeguard stand
Where I sit around waiting for you to remember

How the girls could turn to ghosts before your eyes
And the very dreams that led to them are keeping them from dying
And how the grace with which she walked into your life
Will stay with you in your steps, and pace with you a while
So long, so long
So long, so long

The speaker in this door is blown
So nothing sounds quite right

And I drive this ocean road
And I remember

How the girls can turn to ghosts before your eyes
And the very dreams that led to them are keeping them from dying
And how the grace with which she walked into your life
will stay with you in your steps and pace with you a while

So long, So long,
So long, So long,
So long, so long,
so long, So Long
taking my time taking this drive..
so long, So Long...
so long, so long
So long, So Long

And I will leave under the cover
Of summer’s kiss upon the sky
Like the stone-face of your lover
Just before she says, "goodbye"
I was certain that the season could be held between my arms
Just as Summer’s hold is fleeting
I was here but now I’m gone

I’m gone
I’m gone I’m gone

2007-04-12T00:48:00.000+08:00

as i took the cab home tonight at 12.30, i did some reflection. fuck it.

"turn up the music loud, and drink thyself to death."

2007-04-01T00:51:00.000+08:00

new movies coming to a guardhouse computer near you:

a) blood diamond
b) because i said so
c) curse of the golden flower (dubbed in English for our non-Chinese speaking friends)
d) garfield: a tale of two kitties
e) hannibal rising
f) 300
g) music and lyrics
h) kingdom of heaven (special edition)
i) the departed
j) rocky balboa
k) stranger than fiction
l) babel

quick, thank me and bittorrent. =) i know all of you stupid guard duty personnel have been waiting for this day.

2007-03-31T00:40:00.000+08:00

james' blog is dead. so is gughan's.

anyway. was waiting for derek, who was as usual phenomenally late again, tonight to have dinner. and that's when two youth approached me brandishing some products and notices. at first i groaned inwardly, cursing derek for coming late and making me stand there like a sitting duck for salesmen and charity agents to prey on, when i saw that they were attempting to sell me a pen. and something told me to hear them out, so i put away my earphones and switched off my ipod. apparently they were trying to sell me a normal fairly low quality pen for 2 bucks, saying that one dollar went to their pocket and the other to the trust leaf company. this company apparently uses ex-convicts and other needy members of society to sell goods. however, i quote the paper:

Trust Leaf is not a Charitable Organization

yes they aren't. hence they do not have to apply for a permit from the government or police for their agents to go around peddling goods. thus they aren't answerable for the funds they procure from such activities.

Trust Leaf is a company that creates jobs for the needy people and ex-convict.

they are exploiting these people for crying out loud. i spent about 15 minutes just talking to them about their lives and this job they're doing and i found out that the yellow ribbon project isn't doing enough for them, and that they are forced to turn to such companies. this company knows they have no where else to turn and so can offer them low wages, bad takeaway from the sales they manage to make for that day. Think about it, 2 dollars for a pen that looks like it's massed produced and bought from Popular. Half of which goes to a company that probably doesn't do anything for the 'employees'. How much must it take to procure these pens and give them to the employees to peddle? Next to nothing, and they take 50% of the sales.

There is no obligation for customers to purchase any products.

of course there aren't any obligation on our side to buy these things. after all, you can simply say you don't care, or say it's way too expensive to pay 2 bucks for a pen that looks like you can get it for a dollar or maybe less. you could get a pilot g2 pen for 2 bucks. and of course you play on the fact that these are ex-convicts who would sway people with their stories. damn it, this stupid company is playing and pulling on our heartstrings. i told these two gentlemen that i admire their spirit, because they told me they tried getting jobs through the yellow ribbon, but employers pick on them and fire them for mistakes that others only get a scolding for, and that's assuming they even are employed as some employers say they will follow up and get back to them, but never do. so i perfectly understand why they're forced to this. i bought a pen, because i support them, but i don't condone the way this company exploits them. if you buy it, you're a sucker for this company. if you don't, you walk away with a nasty after taste in your mouth when you say 'no' knowing that these people, despite the fact they're working for such a company, need your 2 bucks more than you probably do.

this is screwed up. why isn't integration back into society for ex-convicts better handled? why is the yellow ribbon ineffective? what is the Workforce Development Agency doing? why isn't the police following up on what i see as a sham and thinly disguised exploitive company? is it because these are ex-convicts and other needy people and no one gives a shit? god damn.

2007-03-09T23:34:00.001+08:00

god do you know how much it hurts? i just gotta call you sometime.

2007-03-05T19:32:00.000+08:00

i've always wondered why people blog. the very definition of blogging, the concept of it, is an online diary. to me, that's an oxymoron. diary = place where you write down private thoughts, things that you don't wish others to read. online = zero privacy. so why do you blog? is it because you don't mind your privacy violated? or because your blog receives so few visitors because a) no one reads or b) it's a true private blog that no one knows the address and/or you've locked its contents.

perhaps you use it as a gauge of your popularity, to see who tags, how often, why they tag, what do they crap about. if some of the guilty ones reading this is starting to squirm because this is them, even though they would not admit it, i'm not done yet. maybe you blog, because although you claim on the surface it's private, its your diary, it has your most inviolate thoughts inside, you actually want people to read it. you actually get a kick out of writing dangerous things, your innermost thoughts that everyone keeps behind that mask, and letting it 'accidently' be published and advertised to the whole world. so that people who read it may take a hint. eh? now i know what those who blog for the fun of it or just to discuss 'world or domestic issues' will say. it's just for fun, don't read into it so much. but i can't help, maybe because i'm one of those above said people. i put on a mask of inviolate explosiveness and temper, but i'm soft inside; i couldn't bastard even the men under me without feeling guilty and retracting my orders/reprimands. i get angry with people, and i don't tell them. i place it in my nick and my 'blog', my private online journal, and air my dirty laundry in public. i keep all my pent up frustration, and emo, forbidden feelings inside, but i write it in here as though it's written in invisible ink, when it's actually in blaringly loud html, hoping people will get the hint. hoping people will visit and see what's really going on with me. hoping that for pete's sake they'll actually give a shit. and yes, maybe i've really come to the root of the problem, i'm insecure and want affirmation.

and hence, this is the irony of the blog. the online journal. maybe alan was right, i wanted support from my friends but i didnt' get it. i won't say who, but if you had a row with me recently, yep that's you. maybe you think i'm getting it all easy at work or outside, that's why i have so much time to think about my unhappiness. but i don't it easy at work. i won't bitch about army here because i think this private online space of mine has enough graffiti of army sprayed on it, but you get the point. you can say i need to learn, move on, keep my emotions under check, learn to be a better person. and have i really not tired at all? i have tried, however incremental. i don't have time to feel shitty up at work, because they're constantly dumping more shit so i don't feel it till afterward. then when i'm off duty, i turn to my friends to understand my position, to make me feel better for god's sake. and yes, i'm not perfect, i should change, but damn it cut me some slack. when i finally have time to feel like shit please don't pile more on me. your advice is duly logged and appreciated, but sometimes advice and nagging isn't what i need.

i need to feel good. i need people to encourage me. i need people to say i'm going on the right track. i need people to help me feel i'm in control. because like it or not i'm very dependant on my friends. so please do this 3SG a favour and make him feel nice in his private little corner of the world wide web, and even in person, and affirm me. indulge me. because sometimes destructive or emo tendencies/words/actions aren't what they are at face value: they're a cry for help. sometimes. only.

2007-02-16T14:19:00.001+08:00

if my firefox browser and blogger account could talk to me, they'll say: stop torturing yourself.

2007-02-08T19:11:00.000+08:00

i wanna scream, but i ~~think i~~ forgot how.

2007-02-07T22:38:00.000+08:00

forgive me, that was said in a moment of anger. cool cold calculative diamond does not do things that way. i promise i won't trouble you anymore and i won't. but that doesn't mean i should harden myself to such an extent i affect others around me. that'll just be collateral damage. so, i'll numb myself as i see fit.

~~i'll harden till i'm diamond hard. nothing will move me. nothing. nothing hurtful. or nothing good either. if it gets rid of the inconvenient little thing called feelings so be it.~~

2007-02-03T13:44:00.000+08:00

"_{you've just got to learn to let go, someone told me today and i replied, why should people have to let go? why can't they just hold on tight with both hands and fight to keep what they love? and you, all you want is your own fairytale and your ever after shooting star moments and you can't even fight for what you believe in, can't even begin to understand how to live with fury.}"

was blog surfing when i found this. hear hear.

2007-02-03T01:54:00.000+08:00

" But then, just as i begin to enjoy myself with my fresh perspective on life, things change forn the worse and i'm back in the duldrums again, sinking to new lows and generally just feeling like shit. As much as i would want it to end, things just don't seem to be going my way."

thanks ivan.

2007-02-01T20:02:00.000+08:00

i should be really thanking the SAF for giving me a headstart for understanding how a corporate firm works. thanks for all the experience trying to deal with politics. the people pushing work around the way old folks practice tai chi quan downstairs from my block in the morning at the basketball court. the way people are so anxious to cover up their ass and maintain their cover and good records, just like the actress is so concerned with her make up, whether it's flawless and covers up all imperfections, when actually underneath it all her face may be as ugly as prick and scarred.

because frankly i've had enough. i just want to do my job. i just want to serve my year here and say goodbye to it all. and why are you getting in my way? why are you throwing spanners in my works? why are you giving so many unnecessary punishments? why must i worry all the time about what you people think? about when is the next time the division sergeant major is going to shove 5 extras up my sorry ass?

which brings me to the topic that people think i have it all. that i'm a sergeant. that i have a mostly 8 to 5 job. that i'm slacking away in some reservist backwater godforsaken camp. well wake up honey.

cause.
i'm.
NOT.

all's not well alright? even when there's a lull period, i take halfday off and come home to nothing. nothing to look forward to. and when there ARE things to do, i get pushed a lot of work.

whew, enough. i needed that out of my system.

it was nice meeting up with my classmates last weekend, and bumping into soon ming twice, once during saturday and the other during sunday at city hall. oh and a shout out to cheryl who ran into me on sunday. =)

hello.

"is that alright with you? to give my gun away when it's loaded. if you don't shoot it how am i supposed to hold it?"

2007-01-19T15:52:00.000+08:00

eh, recently, i've started signing extras. i've signed a total of 2 so far, and yes while i know that's very few by others' standards, i just don't like breaking my clean record of zero zilch informal punishments. i heard my upperstudy was a record holder, he signed like 40 over duties, and even when he wasn't serving any extra, he was getting 5 regimental duties a month when others served only 2. so i hope the curse of signing extras won't transfer down to me. because for him, he didn't even manage to clear off all his extra duties when he ORD-ed. that's how many he signed. *gasp*

the thing is, i deserve one out of those 2 extras. it was idiotic of me not to check the date which i changed duties with one of the other specialists. so i turned up late for a sunday duty when i thought i had no more weekend duties for that month. so i suppose, while i hate it, 1 extra duty was really going light on me already. though it's really debatable whose fault is it i was in that situation in the first place. the duty roster placed me for duty when i already had a course on, so obviously some admin in the camp is not being efficient enough when obviously i cannot serve guard then when i have other commitments. but nuff said, i'll leave that matter to rest.

what i really cannot understand is why i was given 3 extra duties when i wasn't even around to take them. apparently after serving sunday guard, monday morning i had live firing range to conduct for the NS men. so since i was supposed to shadow the ammunition party, i had to follow them. and they were scheduled to move out at 0630 hours. usually one hands over the guard house at 0800 hours, so i had my successor come earlier to the guard house. by 0620 hours i still haven't seen him and i had to go off already, so i got permission from the DOS to leave. apparently i wasn't around to see that the guard 2 IC hadn't raised the flag high enough, so it was about 2 feet away from the top. and the division sergeant major saw it and was furious. he was also wondering why when the flag was being raised no guard commander was in the guardhouse (i.e. i left to prepare to move out for live firing) he smacked all with 3 extra and the DOS with 5.

naturally i was furious when i found out about this. i mean, maybe it was my fault i didn't wait for my replacement, or inform the camp csm that i was going to hand over early. but come on man, did you really expect me to wait at the guard house till my replacement came and ask the NS men to wait? sigh.

i explained myself, and got 1 extra, minus 2. i suppose i should be grateful for small favours eh? but i know that if i fight this, even IF i'm successful, this won't be the last i hear of this incident. so maybe it'll be better to learn tolerance. but goddamnit, that's tough for me.

maybe this is a lesson life's trying to teach me. shit la, means 2 weekends gone already. =(

2007-01-17T09:41:00.000+08:00

haha, maybe i've been looking at this all wrong. i should be happy i gave it a try, not mop around because the end result sucked. it's the process, not the product that matters. because, anyway, tomorrow might not be. kal ho naa ho.

you guys can go ahead, clubbing, playing your life away. and to those who are stuck chionging in the army, tough luck bro. see ya when we ORD. me? i'm gonna spend my time picking up skills, new hobbies, get some academic work done, maybe even start a paintball field up. i'm taking my time to go places. i don't know about you all, but if you think weekends at MOS is gonna land you my high flyer job, you've got some waking up to do.

"Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici."
By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

2007-01-06T09:02:00.000+08:00

dear diary,

remind me to blog later. very tired after duty, but i had some stuff to let outta my system.

2007-01-01T17:04:00.000+08:00

i quote koon. because he's got it dead center. and i'm not feeling particularly expressive now. maybe i'm losing my literature skills. his blog for the original.

"i read in nick hornby's a long way down, that new year's eve is the most likely day that anybody who wanted to kill himself would kill himself.

i could easily understand why.

if the next year was one that you had hope for, or one you had plenty or some to look forward to, it'd be totally illogical to kill yourself. it'd be almost insanely stupid to kill yourself if you had just suffered a major setback in your life.

because there is something left, because there is more to your life, because you only lost a part of everything. and if you play around with the idea in your mind, you still have everything.

but if the next year was one where you did not have anything to look forward to, one which you can already see seemingly insurmountable obstacles strewn in your way, it's easy to see why you'd kill yourself on new year's eve.

when the closure of a year will not bring about closure of your problems, when its closure means you are extending your problems to the next, death seems an easier route to an end.

when the beginning of a year means another period of strife and struggle, a longer time to suffer instead of peace, you might just want to end it.

and especially on new year's eve, when everybody else seems to have so much going for them for the next year, while you have nothing, you might feel as if you might never catch up.

and while the crowd does a rowdy, crazy countdown to the momentous leap from one year to the next, you realize you can stand right in the midst of the happiest people and have nothing rub on to you, you start to doubt whether you can ever be as happy as everyone else is."

2006-12-25T23:07:00.000+08:00

pretense indeed. i find my circumstance very ironic. the very argument that i would present is the very same one you would use. only that we're looking in different directions. so if i merit a chance, why won't you?

either case, i think it's pretty f**ked up. this christmas is a red one.

2006-12-23T16:29:00.000+08:00

xmas wish list.

New wallet.
iPod 8gb Nano. + Running kit.
Dawn of War compendium.
Citadel paints.
ORD.
Neverwinter Nights 2 guide book.
NVIDIA GeForce 7950 512MB Video card.

to not waste all my relatively free time in NS.
to forget you.

just when you think it's all over, it'll come back to haunt you again. like ivan says, hope.

2006-12-12T23:23:00.000+08:00

i don't know what to update with, so i'll just leave you with these amazing facts.

A zebra is white with black stripes.

All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise, except Venus. It is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Hummingbirds are the only animal that can also fly backwards.

Insects do not make noises with their voices. The noise of bees, mosquitoes and other buzzing insects is caused by rapidly moving their wings.

The cockroach is the fastest animal on 6 legs covering a meter a second.

The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent".

blah.

2006-12-05T22:30:00.000+08:00

2006-12-05T11:53:00.000+08:00

i know i broke my promise to you, but i'm sorry i'm back to my old habit of using song lyrics to express myself on my blog. yes, i can almost hear you admonishing me all the way from the UK but sorry! i'm too tired after guard duty yesterday, only 3 hours sleep. and too lazy/screwed up to try to put my feelings into words;

feel the burn; feel the demons come to mix; fill the street with madness.

dumb internet, my new desktop's fast in terms of speed and graphics. but, i forgot one tiny thing: network card. sooo, until my dad's new wireless internet account comes online come 22 dec, unless i'm in the office (which nowadays is pretty rare), or at home and using my mom's macbook (which is even more rare), i won't be online.

so there. i could use the alone time from the msn and all though. i need to think things through. maybe its through that if one piles on enough armour and indifference, one can be invincible, like superman. i wanna fly like superman.

you've got this new head filled up with smoke
i've got my veins all tangled close
to the jukebox bars you frequent
the safest place to hide
long nights "spent" with your most obvious weaknesses
you start shaking at the thought
you are everything i want
cause you are everything i'm not

we lay, we lay together
just not, too close, too close
(how close is close enough?)
we lay, we lay together
just not too close, too close

i just want to break you down so badly
well i trip over everything you say
i just want to break you down so badly
in the worst way

my inarticulate store bought hangover hobby kit
it talks it says, "you are, you are so cool"
scissor shaped, across the bed
you are red, violent red
you hollow out my hungry eyes
you hollow out my hungry eyes

we lay, we lay together
just not too close, too close
(how close is close enough?)
we lay, we lay together
just not too close, too close

i just want to break you down so badly
well i trip over everything you say
i just want to break you down so badly
in the worst way
i just want to break you down so badly
well i trip over everything you say
i just want to break you down so badly
in the worst way

we're gonna make damn sure
that you can't ever leave me
no you won't ever get too far from me
you won't ever get too far from me
i'll make damn sure
that you can't ever leave
no you won't ever get too far from me
you won't ever get too far from me
you won't ever get too far from me
you won't ever get too far

i just want to break you down so badly
well i trip over everything you say
i just want to break you down so badly
in the worst way (worst way)

i'm going to make damn sure
i just want to bring you down so badly
i'm going to make damn sure
i just want to bring you down so badly
in the worst way, worst way...

2006-11-29T21:32:00.000+08:00

i'm just a hypocritical, lying, emo, weak-willed fool.

but my ipod isn't! which is great! cause it's seeming to play great music in shuffle for once to make me feel less screwed up. i love my ipod. this is what it played in order.

You Fight Me - Breaking Benjamin
My Immortal - Evanescence
25 Minutes - Michael Learns To Rock
How About You - Staind
Save Me - Corrinne May
Why Can't I - Liz Phair
Every Little Thing - Dishwalla
Angels And Devils - Dishwalla

if music be the food of the soul, play on, play on.

2006-11-28T20:14:00.000+08:00

heh, not bad eh? "their number is legion, their name is Death". my beautiful painted necrons.

2006-11-26T19:02:00.000+08:00

let's have Halloween on Christmas. and prance around the tree like heathen villagers, and in the middle of the night, we'll wish it never ends. The stars will come out to play. And we'll hold hands, and dance around the tree until we fall into the darkness of rest. And we'll lie down on the grass and watch the stars above as they explode into war. I'll comment on the beauty of the moment, and you'll tell me ghost stories to keep me awake and begging for sleep. We'll fall asleep holding hands, and when I wake, I'll find myself alone with the whisper of "trick or treat" on the wind.

~~~

paintball was a total ownage today. poor 31st council. one man pulled out, leaving them short on manpower. the Adeptus Astartes of the 30th student council showed them the power of the Emperor when we smote them for a victory of 3-0. yours truly had the most glorious moment of going full auto when engaging the Enemy up close today.

you know, sometimes i wonder how one really buries his past. i saw someone on saturday, and she seemed for the most shortest of moments like someone else i knew, and i wondered just like the Grey Knights wonder about Chaos and its influence over them when fighting demons, i wondered if i would fail again. but then it wasn't who i thought it was at Sentosa, so the moment passed.

but the fear is always with me.

2006-11-20T21:15:00.000+08:00

alright man, it's 3SG donovan to you, faggots. all you old, balding, fat, unable-to-run-IPPT reservist men. yes, all you NSMen. you will listen. and you will listen gooooood.

your mother so fat...

alright, so it's not exactly how i interact with the lau jiao of the army, but yeah the 3SG part is accurate. i'm finally a sergeant, the same rank as the people who screwed with me in BMT so mercilessly. and well, it doesn't feel all that awe inspiring as i thought it'd be. i still help my storeman out with his sai kang, i still do errands for my officers. but 2PDF training center is really THE place to be man.

no more soc. stay out of camp when there's no in camp training (i.e. 8 to 5 for you common mortals who don't understand army talk.) flexible OC who doesn't mind giving me off or letting me take leave. no exercise imposed per week, not including the 5km healthy lifestyle run twice a week. dota/cs/msn on the office computer. and about 4 to 5 others in the training center. close proximity to home; the camp's in clementi.

i've picked up my old hobby of modelling. no, not for the catwalk, but miniature construction and painting. warhammer 40k, to be exact. the necrons are like so super cool. high tech undead heh. oh, and if you didn't go to the motor roadshow at suntect recently, you missed out alot. on the cars. and the babes.

POP LO!

me and li hang, PTI and ex BSLC section/trench/talk cock mate.

that ladies and gentlemen, is an M203 grenade launcher. it was the weapon i hated most during ASLC, because i was the assigned M203 gunner. so i got the heavy weapon more often than not during outfield exercises.

this is like one of the coolest convertibles to own man.

she's like the tuscani's answer to reiko nagase in ridge racer. eat this, miah. lol.

my lil evil Necron minion. he's the bomb man, i made him myself, though he's not painted yet.

their number is legion, their name is Death.

2006-11-12T22:16:00.000+08:00

alright so i don't have pepperoni pizza, you didn't have to say i'm not cute either!

lolx.

2006-11-12T21:13:00.000+08:00

wow. christmas came early this year.

ok fine, so the macbook's not mine, but it's my mom's. she's not that good with tech stuff anyway, so i suppose i can help her better utilize it. hehe. but the new T50 digicam's all. mine.

2006-11-11T17:24:00.000+08:00

"well, i'm back." with the finality of the parting words of tolkien's lotr novel. kinda with the same feeling as well, having been on a training trip to taiwan, spending 3 weeks over there, and coming back to singapore at the end of it all. and i really mean at the end of it all. ASLC can be said to be over. i'm getting my 3rd stripe on wednesday, and it's been a hellavu ride to get it. i can't believe the times we had in NCC, playing around with ranks so trivially. like go for a 3 day course in an air con room, sit for a written test and boom, you're a 1SG. promotions every few months like they were free, some climbing as high as MSG. when i've really paid for my mere 3 stripes with blood, sweat and tears.

i've walked 32 km with full battle order, crossing a water obstacle halfway. i've cleared my SOC with a timing of 9.11, when i first came into BMT with an astonishing timing of 17 freaking mins. looking back it's hard to even imagine how one can take nearly 20 mins to complete the SOC. you really have to suck bad. i've gone through numerous live firings, so much so that handling live rounds and firing weapons don't give the same kick as before. i've chiong-ed so much in the jungles that where one used to flatten the grass nicely and check for mud/insects before one proned down i now can prone in a moments notice with no care as to what i'm proning on. sometimes that's bad though, i once proned into an ants' nest, which took 2 painful hours for all ants to disembark off me. i've climbed so many knolls and hills carrying heavy loads in taiwan i lost count. i could go on and on, and i wouldn't finish blogging until i book in tomorrow.

the point is, i've come a long way. and i'm kinda proud of it. taiwan sorta was the baptism of fire, a long 9 days outfield playing soldier, the longest duration there is in the SAF for outfield. however, when i look back on my SISPEC days, i can say i'm kinda jaded. i've come to the conclusion that SAF policies are simply dumbass.

just how do they select silver bayonet and crossover personnel? i'm not saying i'm discontented i didn't get anything, but i'm refering more to my friends who really deserve it, but didn't get it. what kinda idiot policy says officers have to be minimum diploma/A lvl holders? if a man can lead, he can lead. it has nothing to do whatsoever with his intelligence level. that said, i've known A lvl holders who are more dimwitted than my O lvl friends. who wants to excel in an organization that is not really meritocratic or recognizes true ability? i came into BSLC with fire, all set to prove my BMT instructors wrong, to do well in the course. i lost some of that fire coming into ASLC, and now the serve-and-fall-out mentality's sorta creeping up on me.

i hope i go to BMT.

mmm. happy belated birthday to clar and pido whose birthdays fell upon the days i was away. happy birthday yien li, cheryl and joel, whose birthdays amazingly all fall upon the same day. i got stuff from taiwan for the following people, so if your name's listed don't forget to come look for me.

gughan.
pido.
shyam.
sanjay.
clar.
louis.
mom.
dad.
doris.

you know sometimes when you feel that nothing's going right for you? i feel screwed up. seems like every door, opportunity i've got is just slamming shut. and there's no one to talk to who could understand. i feel so, lemme think, unfulfilled. i think it's a lil twisted, but i do believe i'm not alone in this. i think i actually get a kick outta feeling depressed and sorry for myself. i don't know how many of you out there actually feel the same way, or whether you'll even admit to such weird behaviour. but personally i do believe that's the reason i've never picked myself up for the last year over. putting it simply, i think i'm addicted to feeling like shit. i'm not making much sense i realize, but i don't quite understand this myself. so i'm just writing this down as i feel and think about it. this has to stop though, afterall no one likes to hang around moody people.

i wanna write to express my feelings, but i'm not allowed to.
i wanna talk, but i have nothing to speak about.
i wanna feel touch, but i fear getting near.
i wanna scream in frustration, but i'm too tired.

bah. this is, too much for me to pick apart. i'm sorry it's gotta be this way.

it's been a long time coming down this road.

2006-10-17T17:14:00.000+08:00

and so i'm off to taiwan. goodbye, singapore. i'll try to buy back stuff for my friends from that island. god, i really have no absolut idea how i'm gonna survive there. and no i'm not talking about the 3 day navigation exercise, or the 9 day mission filled exercise. i'm talking about the bloody R & R! with a d7 in chinese, i'm hardly qualified to go on the street and communicate with people. i'll probably be better off wearing a mute's sign. i really hope the taiwanese will understand english, or at least sign language.

thank you t19 for accompanying me to the open house, specifically clar who arranged to meet up with me to go. it'll have been so weird to go back alone to CJ. the badminton game with marcus, louis, ming yuan, chris and ben tay was a refreshing change from my usual weekend routine of sleeping. though a punishing one, cause of all the aches running down the left side of my body now. it's hilarious, have you ever seen a school badminton player missing shots? poor louis. lol. actually we were all missing our shots, so we didn't really have much of a proper game. but it's cool, nevertheless, thanks to chris for organising it.

i won't say i spent my off - in - lieu well, because i don't feel fulfilled after having it. then again, maybe it's cause it's never enough. no matter how much leave i get, i'll never feel satisfied. that's the way of human nature ain't it? de cun jin chi (to try to take a foot after being given an inch). not bad eh? i just might survive taiwan after all. heh. i'll be back in 3 weeks time give or take a couple of days.

hello.

and goodbye, =) .

2006-10-14T17:27:00.000+08:00

the bus and the ride.

the daily commuter sits at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive. he sits and counts the minutes, the seconds that tick by, as he's waiting impatiently for the bus to arrive. it always seems that the bus turning that faraway corner is the bus he's been waiting for, but it seldom is. luck has never been his strong point, something he can count upon, and so he sits and waits. watching all sorts of people arrive at his bus stop, and then leave. he's thinking about the wife and the two young kids at home, and how he'll have to get back home. how he'll go through the routine of asking after his wife's day, of playing and interacting with the children because he doesn't want to turn out like his father who was never around when he was growing up. he's dead tired after arguing with his boss over the smallest trifles at work, and he reckons that the desk job he has pays too little by far for the work and stress he goes through. he doesn't feel he's making a difference in his life; he doesn't feel useful at work in the huge multi national company he works at, the consequence of being but a small cog in the machinery of the company.

as he is sitting there musing about his life, his circumstance, the small mistakes he made at work today that he could have averted, the politics at work he could have played along with to obtain that promotion he so craves, his bus comes and goes. and like the same feeling of frustration at work climbing the corporate ladder because he sticks to his principles, he's watching the number plate of the bus leave him with the small tornadoes of road side dust, gradually becoming smaller and smaller. after that rush of frustration, comes the feeling of helplessness. that same sense of hating his situation at work, but being unable to do anything about it, because he's been forced into this corner by his own hand. a shotgun marriage at 20, mediocre to below average grades in high school and university was never able to get him an interesting or high paying job, or both. he's stuck between feeling sorry for himself and feeling angry he let his youthful desires and partying control his outcome. the conflict of emotion comes, and leaves just as quickly, as he realises that just like the bus that came and went, it's useless to speculate and feel strongly about the situation, because it changes nothing. now that was a worthy lesson he had drawn from his experiences, something he was proud to conquer: emotion.

more people come and go, and finally his bus arrives. he grabs his suitcase, and in his cheap but good looking suit boards the bus. as usual, the bus is obscenely full, and there is hardly any standing room for him. there is not much of a choice for him but to adapt and learn to live with the space constraint, because getting a car loan from the bank at his young age and with such a small gross monthly pay was never possible. so he'll just stand. sandwiched between a fat punk blaring his music away with his headphones so loud even he can hear, eating blatantly in the bus and spilling food despite the no eating sign and another equally disillusioned, quiet and grim looking white collar worker. he's thinking how ironic it is, that so many human beings can be packed together in one single location, and they don't interact, all lost in their own depression, hubris or their mp3 player. the ride is long, and his legs are aching, and he hates being jostled about by the bad driving and packed bus. it's always like this, at this time of the day, at this place, everyday, everytime. and he can't wait to get off this bus, and go home to face his other routine. the contempt, the brawling kids, that thing on his left ringfinger.

because underneath all this, he realises one thing: he's alive, living this. when dealt a hand he cannot reshuffle or redeal, there's only two choices. he can fold, or he can up the stakes. he can fold, he can just choose the easy way out, he can leave this world behind, but suicide is stupid in his case, not only because it's the coward's way out but because no matter how screwed up his life is, he still has that prevailing sense of responsibility. he can up the stakes, take the crappy hand given him, and somehow produce a royal flush out of it. so everyday he'll go home and attempt to sort things out. to reconcile with his wife, to bring his kids up right, to bring home the money, to make his boss see reason, to stick to his guns and principles.

so at rush hour after work, he'll wait for the bus everyday, a continuous effort, labour. until he dies.

2006-10-08T20:47:00.000+08:00

beauty car-sonified. you're gonna be mine. someday. heh.

" i'll pay it gladly. "

2006-10-05T20:46:00.000+08:00

hey, thanks to the guys tagging. you guys are great, i know i can count on you fellas. times like this, when during my exercise grandslam II, digging like a dog under the moonlight, bearing a shit heavy load as section commander during the 8km fbo march to the objective, thinking of my previous blog entry and feeling a lil down, i look at your comments, and just laugh. to myself.

it's true, faced with such problems in life, there are only two ways to deal with them.

a) you sit down, depressed, then cry.
b) you laugh like you've never laughed before.

all that's missing is a crappy comment from gughan, but that's understandable. his father will never allow him near a computer long enough for him to do stupid stuff like tag my blog with nonsense.

i'm through with grandslam! god, that was a tough one man. but i won't talk about my 'war stories' here unless you wanna hear them, which in that case you probably gotta ask me on msn or talk to me in person. anyways, my ASLC is drawing to a close. all that's left is my taiwan 3 week trip, and FIBUA which i'll be covering over the next few days. i have off-in-lieu starting thursday next week stretching over the weekend into tuesday the following week. i hope to meet up with some peeps i haven't talk to in a long while, rebuild old friendships while going out with old friends as well. if you guys are free in that period, message me ya. peace out.

2006-10-01T18:32:00.000+08:00

mmm. i think i've resolved to try to change my mindset. screw the last post, forget i ever wrote it. it's kinda pessimistic, and that won't do at all. you might say i was, erm, inspired by miah's entry. maybe penning it down here, in concrete, black and white, bytes and numbers, consonants and vowels..etc (you get the idea) might do me some good.

thanks. for taking up the better part of my jc life thinking about you. let's face it, it could have been worse. i could have turned gay with james or gughan, i could have fantasized about ayantika, i could have been all alone without anything, any ambition, muse, inspiration to work towards in cjc, but i didn't. i can say that you've taught me some valuable lessons. when not to fall, when to say this, when not to say that, that it is possible to like someone past that petty one or two month fling, that eye candy that everyone has for that flavour of the week. and so i learnt. some will say the hard way, and in a way i agree, cause i still feel the idiot for doing what i did. but they won't know the times i felt great around you.

the conversations we had till late on msn. exchanging songs. talking about our issues. watching the malaysian sky at night for constellations, telling ghost stories courtesy of ramli, our guide. that goat you held. the face you give when i laugh at your expense. just standing/sitting near you. receiving random sms-es during cirriculum time when we both know you should have been paying attention in class. you playing around with my fencing blade in town waving it about, pointing it everywhere including a movie poster of a zebra's butt. watching you sing/perform on stage. the times you came to me when you felt crappy about him. when you still asked if i was alright, after you said no. when you actually bothered to give me something for my birthday in jc. when you actually remembered and cared to drop me a simple message happy birthday before my enlistment this year.

cause no matter what you did to me, all the times you ignored my messages, my calls, my 'hellos' on msn, i always came back for more. i don't know why, but maybe it's cause i held on too long to the times i felt great. you're like a drug i became addicted to. it may have been one sided, hell it probably was one sided, but that doesn't change the fact that withdrawal for the last one and a half years has been pretty painful.

but i'm over that. i'm man enough to realise i was just chasing ghosts of the past for the last one and half years. i'm man enough to take the good and the bad of the experience without whining anymore. i'm man enough to write this down, and to close the chapter on this part of my life, at least for now. so for all the good, and the bad:

thank you.

so there's that mindset. that depression where i was chasing ghosts, wondering why you were/are acting the way you did/do. poof, it's gone and i hope i'm a changed man. carrying emotional baggage sure sucks. if you do read this, i hope it gets through to you. and let bygones be bygones. if we could start anew, i promise i won't make the same mistakes i did.

on another note: i'm pretty happy and proud to announce that i've fulfilled a couple of my aims for ASLC so far. i've managed to complete my 32km fast march for the combat skills badge, i've gotten my ippt gold and my 200 bucks, i've managed an improvement in my SOC timing down to 9:11. so that's that, i hope i can sustain this. next week, grandslam+nutcracker 2. more digging and attacking objectives from monday night till thursday evening. god give me the strength to endure and excel.

2006-09-27T20:09:00.000+08:00

ippt gold. free 200 more bucks for me.

gotta change my mindset. it's all about mindset. forget it.

2006-09-24T11:45:00.000+08:00

i was awake last night, thinking about things. as i lay still in bed, appreciating the bed and sheets and air con i've taken for granted for the past 19 years, i came to the conclusion that one would only appreciate something when it's taken away from you. you don't get such comfort in camp. anyway, as i couldn't sleep at 2am last night, i'll pen down some stuff i was thinking about.

a)

it's true, guys can't stop talking about their army experience, their battle scars and comparing who's worst off doing all kinds of shit. you may say it's oxymoronic in nature, because we complain so much about the army, but when we gather it seems the only thing to talk about. firstly, the army is our life now, like it or not, 24/7. well, 24/6 to be exact if you're in command school, 24/5 if you're in unit. it's only 24/7 if you've taken an extra weekend duty for some wrong doing of yours. with such time invested in the army, there isn't much scope for other conversation topics to crop up, after all you're doing nothing else with your life now but serving the nation. secondly, everyone complains, that's true. but i believe, or at least this is true in my case, that underneath all that complaints lies a certain sort of pride. the training's tough, everyone hates it and complains to one another, but in actual fact you're all looking for affirmation, that pat on the back that says yes bro, i respect the shit you went through, it ain't no joke and you're more of a man to have survived it. so girls, when you listen to guys talk about their "war stories", think twice before shutting off cause everyone talks about it and it's boring and doesn't concern you much. guys, do your own part and stop comparing battle scars every time you meet. some people have it better than others, so be it. but tough training builds character, and the best kind of welfare is first class training. so suck your thumb and have fun while you're at it.

b)

my PWO of my platoon gave some lectures on leadership and development, and he got me thinking as well. most guys think NS is a liability. i admit, i fall under that category at times when i think to myself, just what the hell am i doing in the army doing all this kinda chiong sua. most of us think, shit, we should be outside, studying in the universitites, working, where we can contribute more to the economy (and fill our pockets, and have a social life, something army doesn't provide for us). but look, if not you, then who? if not now, then when? if not this way, then how? someone has to defend this country. who do you think is protecting the island, while your girlfriend outside can sleep easy, go study, shop and live a safe and secure life? who do you think is providing a safe environment in singapore, that will attract foreign investors and bring in the bacon? i know, it sounds like propaganda, but it's only propaganda if you allow yourself to be cynical and take NS at face value: a waste of your own personal time. personally i've come round to the way of thinking that if if you believe that to be true, that NS is but a waste of your own time, then i say you're a selfish prick who doesn't deserve to live here. who was protecting the country while you were growing up, playing soccer, skipping school, playing computers, dabbling into relationships, having fun with your friends and being able to come home at 2am without fear of being mugged? your fathers, your brothers, your uncles were serving their own cycle as an NSF and then as an NSman to allow you this freedom. so guys, wake up your bloody idea and quit complaining so much. NS is tough, at least for most people (nudge pido), but the nation is giving you free lodging, free food while training you up physically and mentally, and all for a good cause. personally, i'm way fitter than when i first enlisted, physically and mentally, able to take on more, statistics that will stand me in good stead when i enter the university to study for my degree. it's just how you look at it.

c)

it's funny. people are truly unpredictable. couples i never expected to break up, did so. while others whom i would have dismissed as unstable and hence more likely to not work out, have up till now, defied my predictions. hands up for pido, who despite himself, has managed to maintain a relationship for the longest time so far, a year over. i'm amazed, the guy actually got his girlfriend an ipod nano, when he himself uses a crappy mp3 player. in all my years as his friend, i would never have expected him to do that: spend so much on a girl. and i saw them yesterday after going out for a game with him as they left our group, louis, gughan and i to go for dinner together. i'm still shaking my head at the unpredictability of love.

other friends of mine have not fared so well though. one of my best friends has broken up with his girl. and the results aren't pretty. i won't judge, nor name names here cause that will be potentially disastrous, but all i'm gonna say is i didn't expect them to split. and now someone's left in the dust. been there, done that, it sucks. get over it girl, he ain't gonna change his mind, and the words you wanna hear from his mouth aren't going to materialise no matter how much you're in denial. all i can say is, time will heal. cue "stop crying your heart out" lyrics.

i won't talk about myself much, because i really don't know where i stand. i've been through this for so long, it's nearly numb already. i promised myself i won't get all sorry for myself and emo here, so i won't. but let's just say i care too much when i should be adopting a ~~couldn't care less~~ laid back attitude. because caring too much will reveal too much. and being oblivious would just show my vindictive side. so it's somewhere in the middle. it's fucked up i guess, but that's that. i'm starting to learn how to appreciate walking down the streets of town by myself with just my ipod. i guess my problem is learning how to like myself first, before i like others, cause i'm never comfortable in my skin. maybe when i'm done learning, maybe just maybe, one day i might give it a shot. or maybe not. like i said, time's supposed to heal.

take it one day at a time. "and don't look back in anger, i heard her say, at least not today."

d)

i guess it's true. in this age of techonology and connectivity, the ultimate irony is that one's also the loneliest. the commuter, with his mp3 and handphone sitting in a crowd on the mrt, is also possibly the least connected to all the other human beings around him, cut off by the crooning of his mp3, and the whispers of his sms-es from his handphone. how many times have you sat down at your computer, turned on your msn messenger with it's impressive list of 200 over contacts for a whole day, and have not one message pop up, from someone saying hi?

i find it vaguely funny that this is the case, and that people can be miffed, or mildly sad that no one's talking to them. so to all these people, victims of the horrid age of technology and connectivity, something that they themselves willingly embrace, this is a shoutout that you're not alone and do not fret. if no one talks no one talks la. your friends will still care about you even though they do not have time nor inclination to be so free to message everyone in their own contact list just to assuage their friends' own insecurities. as such, i declare today MESSAGE-YOUR-FRIENDS-ON-MSN-AND-SMS day. have fun kiddos. =)

right, it's time i left. have to do the laundry before i book back in. ahhh, back to the fundamentals of life. till the next entry when i feel inspired/irritated enough to blog about how i feel.

2006-08-26T20:18:00.000+08:00

wow, sorry it's been so long. cause well i've had problems trying to log in. till i found a detour that finally allowed me access to my own dashboard.

i'm in aslc. foxtrot company. some tell me aslc's tough, others say it isn't compared to bslc. i don't know yet, except that i'll just go in with both eyes open and with a spirit to learn and improve. i'll try my best again, aim to get at least silver bayonet for the course.

nothing really much to say. i know i requested for aslc, and compared to combat medic it's a far better fate in my opinion; tougher but better. cause well you get to push your limits, train up, get a chance to win some bayonets and who knows, maybe even cross over to OCS. but i still feel like crap when i compare myself to others who have higher pay, be it those in OCS or friends in civil defence OCS equivalent, or those with a slacker posting like signals instructor or air force. i mean, infantry 3SG is somewhere in the middle, not that much of a glory like commando or ndu, not that high a pay to spend, and you train harder than those in signals or support arms but with nothing much really to show for it. i'm still trying to convince myself this is the best possible route for me given my medical status of color deficiency, that it closes a lot of doors for me. but it's kinda difficult, when my friends smile and gush to me about their signals or air force posting, or when i look across SISPEC and see the OCS tower standing tall with the singapura flag flying high.

just gotta learn to deal and make the best of your situation yeah?

2006-08-22T20:22:00.000+08:00

ok sorry, last weekend had problems trying to login into blogger. anyway, i won't go type my war stories about nutcracker here. though suffice to say, i think i must say i'm a lil disappointed i didn't cross, nor did i get platoon or company best, even though i daresay i put in alot of effort. ah well, there's always ASLC.

i guess there's always this thing about hindsight. when you look back and think what could you have done better, what you could have not kenged and what not. what you could have not done.

~~~

i hate living in the past. why do i still do this to myself? hmm. no idea.

~~~

i better start thinking about post uni plans. and what job to take. father suggests signing on, mom is dead set against it. and i'm caught in the middle. heh, i think army ain't for me though, but that doesn't change the fact that i feel pretty directionless. i have no idea what i'm gonna do with a social sciences degree from SMU though. =( don't wanna drift aimlessly, job hopping after getting my degree. we'll see.

2006-08-11T22:16:00.000+08:00

it's said that the first post / letter / literary article of any collection / volume / archive is the most telling and important as it sets the mood and direction for the rest of what's to come after that initial post. so i'm setting it straight here.

new blog, new design, heck new colour. was getting tired of black, of such a dark depressing colour. anyway. hopefully, this would mean a new change in mood. yeah i know change is supposed to come from inside out, but at least i hope by changing what's on the outside it'll facilitate change on the inside.

went out with my section for dinner, pool and roaming the streets recently. poh huat and ivan are a riot. especially ivan. my section's so much more fun and cohesive than my BMT one, so one up for you guys man.

just look at the guy. acting cool and all. hmph. =) "hey mickey you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind hey mickey."

anyway, BSLC is drawing to a close. last major exercise: defense ex nutcracker. i'll have fun digging holes in the ground and having no sleep for 2 days and 2 nights. but when that's done, my course is pretty much complete, except for the graduation 28km march. gonna miss my friends in alpha coy platoon 3, most of you rock, except for a few chao keng lousy atttitude No Action Talk Only people. those i certainly won't be missing.

paintball tomorrow. prepare to be splattered. and flanked. wahaha.